My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*exercises sarcastically*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately