Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet