this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
CRYING
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
What is going on? 😅
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*