Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Grandmother clock.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
spot the difference