@Sean_Burgundy_: I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"
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@CopBroughtPizza: and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about...MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE
@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he's paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
@ch000ch: ME: i'm having a lovely time tonight my date: why do u keep yelling "ME" before every sentence
@briangaar: I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games