One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
You Might Also Like
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.