The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?