I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me, reading some of your tweets