I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Aaaa…CHOO!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[at the general store]
me: one general please
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.