@Kim_pulsive: I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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@SortaBad: "If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
@SerialFuckup: Today's life lesson: "I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake."
@BellaBurnley: My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" and hung up. Should make him wonder a lil bit.
@murrman5: use this coupon for the pizza its expired whats the worst that could happen [calls wife 10min later] hello Im in something called pizza jail