@Kim_pulsive: I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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@StellaGMaddox: I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won't stop talking to me and I think I've made a horrible mistake.
@shkeeber: Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines: -Badger juggling -Heroin enemas -Grenade soup -Live cobra condoms -Roman candle tampons -Ebola
@iamk1ts: As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: It's done. Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice? I: What? MB: Like a restaurant. I: I killed him. MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!