I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
adding to the discourse
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.