I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in