@kirbys4losers: I'd rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.
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@lgbk44: as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money
@ruinedpicnic: [checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
@krautsider: If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You're welcome.
@eddiepepitone: Signs that things aren't going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.