A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
You Might Also Like
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*