@WilliamRodgers: I'd rather drop a baby than my iPhone.... I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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@anagramps: *hot lady looks at me* Me: Hi! Do I know you? Lady: No I think I'm mistaken. *awkward pause* Me: So...is there a mister taken? *hit by bus*
@Darlainky: -That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it? -Sentimental attachment. -It just caught fire. -Aww, just like old times.
@ericsshadow: I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
@Inconsteveable: "Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?"