@Real_Countress: I'd rather everyone think I had a serious cocaine problem then them know I just finished a bag of powdered donuts to myself
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@seamussaid: hey Disney-Pixar here's an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
@TheDailySchmuck: "It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.
@Eightinchgoat: I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.
@JediGigi: Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow. Me: Can't. Boss: Why? Me: I'll be asleep until 8:30.