My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Chicago sounds lovely.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.