I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving