@Kim_pulsive: I'd rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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@big_1_Otis: I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.
@ScreaminZeman: When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service.
@withanewname: [breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."
@Dawn_M_: [making small talk at a party] Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that's why poor people look like shit?"