I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
🤣🤣💀
Sniffing the broccoli
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe