I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
You Might Also Like
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.