I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
You Might Also Like
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.