I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
that colleague who touches your screen
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.