I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
BRO LMFAO
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops