@adamzopf: I'd run a marathon but I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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@TheMichaelRock: [guy inventing Captain Crunch] Hear me out, they're razor blades, but they're delicious.
@theshantilly: Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You're staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There's a leaf in it.
@bornmiserable: "It's never too late to get the beach body you want," I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean