@adamzopf: I'd run a marathon but I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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@zbinski: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
@shutupmikeginn: My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
@CyborgHanky: [in line for coffee] Me (in my head): hi I'd like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I'd like one- Barista: NEXT! Me: Hello, um, I'd like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado Me (in my head): god dammit
@Home_Halfway: "State your name" Ted Cruz "Where are you from?" Texas "Your wife's name" Heidi "Your first zodiac murder" 1968 "Thank you" You're welc-WAIT