@adamzopf: I'd run a marathon but I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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@urgeekisshowing: That awkward moment when someone asks if you've dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
@ScottLinnen: Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
@whalesmells: When someone you don't like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.