I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh