I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Same post same
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?