I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
asking santa clause for nudes
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
#dnd #ttrpg
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