I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
calling in to work dehydrated
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.