@bwebster76: I'd take Cap'n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren't on his hat.
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@ozzyunc: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.
@Token_Geezer: It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones I had to show my contempt by grunting
@philyuck: Hi I'm here for my vasectomy. "Would you like that toasted?" What? "Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let's do this."
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress* *puts on ballerina shoes* *puts on ballerina tiara* Me: Who are you supposed to be? 4: A ninja.