FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*