I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
this country is so goddamn polarized
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.