@VancityReynolds: I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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@armyantstudios: My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I've been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.
@dietredbull: it's gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
@AndyAsAdjective: *steps out of time machine* SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler? ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
@sarahjeong: the turkey takes his mask off it's edward snowden obama groans, it's too late to unpardon him now