I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Feels
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.