I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?