Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
This is my emotional support knife.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Just as the prophecy foretold
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job