Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.