Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
fired
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…