[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
went fishing caught a bass
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why