Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing