Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
You Might Also Like
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad