Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.