Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Sunday
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.