idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
#gardening
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Ah..makes sense now
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
plant them where lol
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning