Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..