@victt0ri: Idea for an app:
it's basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
@Tw1tter_K1tten: One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
@vineyille: If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
@Iwriteforcats: Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
@AaronFullerton: To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
@Adyaces: Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?