idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck