@PaperWash: idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
@HeatherLuvsYou: A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I could care less! Me: How much less could you care? Coworker: I don't get it. Me: I noticed.