idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
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doctor: god you鈥檙e unhealthy
me: we haven鈥檛 started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This made me smile…
Boss: Instead of raises, we鈥檙e having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It鈥檚 got extra pepperoni!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
friend: don鈥檛 look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don鈥檛 look
statue:
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Them: Do your best you can鈥檛 hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer馃嵑.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.