Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The devil.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
2022: I can fix it
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap