@pattymo: Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn't have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
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@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!
@Brampersandon_: [PetSmart] Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them? *throws bag of bird seed in cart* I'm such a smart shopper.
@robdelaney: My marriage is a mess and I'm in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that's what keeps me going.
@effinghandbook: Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.