his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Saw your ex at the shops
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet