IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
You Might Also Like
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.