IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.