[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
It do be feeling this way.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed