[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”